At Least I'm Not Homeless

"At least I'm not homeless" was something I use to say during the 13 years I was married to my abusive ex-husband.  I said it ALOT actually, until one day I finally said "being homeless has to be better then this!"

I lived at a homeless shelter for 7 months, there were days I slept in my car because there weren't enough beds for everyone and the shelter ran on a lottery system.  There were days I went hungry and days all I ate was mayonnaise and mustard sandwiches.

Every step I've made since that time has been an improvement, every decision I've made has been to better myself, my children's lives, to grow and be thankful.

I didn't receive my bonus this year, and at first I was devastated.  That has always been the money I used to make Christmas happen.  When you live paycheck to paycheck you don't have the funds or the means to save for things like Christmas.

Then I saw on Facebook this morning, that 33 homeless people in Santa Clara County died in 2014 and I said "At least I'm not Homeless".  I may not have the money to have very many gifts under the tree, but at least we have a tree and "At least I'm not Homeless".  We may not be able to have our traditional Prime Rib Christmas dinner but I can promise you, we wont be eating mayonnaise and mustard sandwiches and...... wait for it...... "At least I'm not Homeless".

So many times we look at what we don't have, wont have, can't have.  I want to focus on what I do have, a wonderful Man in my life that does everything he can for his family, 3 wonderful children that deserve the world and yet are happy with just spending time together for the holidays. 2 more children who are, well not children anymore, grown all up one going to college and the other married and living pretty darn close to where the Bone Monsters come from!!!  I have my brother and his family, my in-laws who are all great people.  I have people to love and people who love me.

2015 will be a great year and looking forward to what it brings!!!!

Who is Raistlin?

Since Raistlin got all bent out of shape yesterday about me not talking about his Blankie addiction, I am making this post all about him!!!

So who is Raistlin?  to simply put it, he is a son, step-son, brother, friend, boyfriend, nephew, and he is a pretty pretty princess!! (when Stevi was a baby I would ask her "who's my pretty princess?" and Raistlin would answer, "I am!")

Raistlin is a thumb sucking, blanket toting, game playing, internet chatting, book reading, my little pony watching, dubstep listening, purple loving, brother teasing, sister spoiling, Morgan snuggling, feline adoring, bike partying, monster drinking, bead making, lack of sleep getting wonderful young man.

Raistlin has the purest belief in gender equality, he is sensitive, caring, giving, loving, stubborn, has a hard time negotiating, and doesn't really know what time is an appropriate time to go to bed.

Raistlin is kind, he has sat at a park for 5 hours to make sure his little sister got the best spot for her birthday 2 years in a row!

If you are lucky enough to know Raistlin, you would agree with me, that even though he was a bit jealous I wrote a post about his sister's blanket habits and failed to comment on his, he does deserve to have a whole post pinpointing some of his best qualities!!!

Hunter, Brian, Raistlin, Stevi (and Doug way in the back)

How old is "Too Old" to have a blankie?

The christmas before my 5th birthday my parents told me I had to give Santa Claus my blankie in exchange for a "special" gift.  I can't remember what that special gift was, but I can remember being sad for a long time after Christmas.

A security blanket is something that makes a child feel safe, comfortable, and secure.

So how old is too old to have a blankie?  This is something I found myself asking this just this last week.

Stevi is 4 now, and her blankie is something she has had since she was born.  When Stevi turned 2, the rule was no more blankie at daycare. When she turned 3, the rule was no more blankie outside of the house (not including sleep overs).  When she turned 4, the rule was blankie has to stay in her bedroom, unless she in her pj's ready for bed.

I'm not the kind of parent the set rules based on age, I hated that as a child, and it was hard when one foster home had a set of age related rules and then you go to another foster home with a different set age related rules.  I try to base my rules on my childs maturity level and what I think she can or can't handle.

Recently a little mishap happened and Blankie ended up in San Diego, Blankie is currently on his way home, thanks to a very understanding sister-in-law and wonderful aunt.  It was a good test to see where my daughter was at with letting go.  To put it simply, she's not ready, and I'm ok with that!!

Bah Humbug!

Growing up, I use to love Christmas.  I remember being 5 and my mom filling every inch of our home with Decorations, she baked every day, it was truly a magical time of the year.  As I grew up my family got smaller and smaller, so Christmas isn't about family as much as it should be.

Every year I seem to hate Christmas more then the last...  I struggle to try and make Christmas what it should be and yet balancing what the children expect from the holiday, and try to give off that "magical feeling vibe" I had as a young child, but it's a huge task and a cumbersome burden.  This year alone I have already had 2 break downs that I wont be able to pull off a decent christmas and it's not even Thanksgiving yet!!

Every year Christmas is just fine, but the stress it induces is sickening!!

Last night at Target, Stevi ran off to the Christmas area because she loves listening to the christmas music.  I mumbled under my breath "I hate Christmas" and a near by employee busted out in laughter and said to me, "You and me both"!!

I am truly Thankful that Christmas only comes once a year!!!!!!

You're fighting about WHAT?!?!?!

My 2 youngest children are 8 year apart in age.  They totally love each other.  Stevi counts the days when Hunter is at his dads, and Hunter will play tea party and Barbies with Stevi.

Being so far in age you would think that they wouldn't have anything to fight about, but you would be wrong.

As Stevi is getting older and trying to be more independent, they seem to be fighting even more.  The sad thing is the things they are fighting about ARE STUPID!!!!

Let's see... 2 weeks ago they got into a huge yelling match about whether or not Stevi knew all the words to "I see the Light" from the Tangled Soundtrack.   The other day Hunter told Stevi that rocks don't bleed and Stevi told Hunter he is a bad brother.  Taking Hunter to school one morning They fought over how much touching was allowed to take place regarding Hunter's razor scooter, and just Tuesday morning Stevi screamed at Hunter for trying to hold her hand as they crossed the parking lot, she yelled "I'm all grown up now and I don't need to hold your yucky hand!!"  and Hunter replied "My hand isn't yucky, maybe it's your hand that's yucky... ever think of that?"

I have been considering making them a "get along" shirt!!!  either that or sell them to the Gypsies!!

I am someone beautiful to my daughter.

I want nothing more then my daughter to grow up healthy, both physically and mentally.  I want my daughter to have a positive body image about her self, I want her to love herself, and I know that comes from what she sees and hears around her.

Problem is I have huge issues with my body, and I'm the last person I like.  Hypocrite? Maybe, or maybe I just want more for my daughter then what I have.  It's a hard life not liking who is looking back at you in the mirror , it's stressful clothes shopping and upsetting when you leave a store with nothing more then wet tissues from crying in the dressing rooms.

So here I stand needing to teach my daughter about self love and acceptance when I have none for myself.

I don't work on Fridays, and have found that they are the BEST days to run errands because the stores aren't packed with people.  Being in need for a dress for an up coming celebration, I hit a few clothing stores.  Stevi and I were in a nice big dressing room while I tried on dress after dress, trying not to make faces at myself or make that "OH MY GOD" noise.

As I would stared at myself in the mirror, Stevi would add her comments... "Wow, that dress makes you looking so Beautiful" "That color is pretty on you mama" "WOW that is so fancy, buy that one".

I left with a dress and a tear in my eye, not because I hated who I saw in the mirror, but because I am someone beautiful to my daughter.

Jeopardy Jollies

One show that Doug and I like watching together is Jeopardy.  We love it!!!  And we have our little jokes, our likes and dislikes.

I hate hate HATE it when people pick from the middle of the board, Yeah I know they are looking for the daily double, but it makes me mad, I root for their gaming demise when they do this!

When Doug doesn't know the Answer (err Question... Whatever!!!) he guesses Shecky, it is NEVER Shecky...I don't even know anyone named Shecky, and I doubt you do too.

When Raistlin doesn't know the Answer (err Question...Hey get off my back!!) he guesses Portugal.  He's right about 3% of the time, but when he is right he does a celebration dance as if he hadn't really guessed!!!

Last night I started yelling out answers to the categories before the game started.  One was "silent g's" I yelled out Night, another was "3 lettered body parts"  I yelled eye, arm, toe...  Doug just looked at me and asked "Do you have Jeopardy Tourette?"  Well I guess I do Doug, I guess I do!

I love love love it!!!

Last night Doug said "I'm shocked you haven't written a post about it yet"  So, in honor of Doug's comment, here it is!!! (Smart Ass!!)

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my kitchenaid mixer!!!

Before I had one, I would watch cooking shows and wish I had one.  Now that I have one, I use it for everything!!  I even have a meat grinder attachment!!  I am hoping to buy an ice cream attachment and a juicer attachment... Someday.

I wipe it down after every use, so it stays looking brand new and spotless.  Doug wont touch it cuz he doesn't want to be responsible for any possible damage, scratch, or foul word said or done to my mixer!

It doesn't talk back, it doesn't refuse to go to bed, it doesn't put dirty dishes away, it doesn't stay up on the internet all night.  It doesn't leave it's stinky socks in the the living room.

I Love my Mixer!!!

And she makes 4

My Sister in-law just had her 3rd beautiful baby boy.  She recently posted in her blog her feelings about this... It's a great blog and a lovely post - http://www.kristinskronicles.com/2014/09/baby-is-here.html Check it out, it's a good read!

So many times I hold so much inside because I'm afraid it will make me look like a bad mother, an immature woman, or just plain insane!  I Think Kristin is brave and strong for just saying it like it is!

I had my first son at 19, 5 years later I had my second son, and 5 years after that I had my third son.  I wanted a little girl so badly, but I would never admit to that.  Don't get me wrong I love Hunter as much as I love his brothers, wouldn't trade him in for anything, but I was hoping for a daughter.  almost 5 years later I had a terrible miscarriage and had my tubes tied.  I was completely happy with my boys, I didn't feel the need to "try again."

During the lowest time of my life, I met and fell in love with a wonder person, my best friend, and the most amazing man.  Months later I started to have the most painful cramps, I thought I was dying or had some awful form of cancer (I can be a bit of a drama queen when I'm sick).  I saw the Doctor at the free clinic ran by the homeless shelter I was living at, and was told it was nothing more then my PCOS acting up and I should go to Planned Parenthood for BC pills to help for a month or so.   Planned Parent ran a routine Pregnancy test and told me I was pregnant.  After about 15 minutes of me arguing with the nurse that that wasn't possible, she did an ultra sound and I was indeed pregnant.

I haven't shared this with anyone but Doug, but I was ANGRY and scared, but mostly very very ANGRY.  I was too old and too poor to be having another child.  I had my tubes tied for a reason, I was pissed off I had to now make a choice, after I had already made a choice to not have anymore children.

I had a beautiful healthy baby girl and I have always wanted her, it was just not the pregnancy I wanted.

What's in a name?

"What's in a name? 

That which we call a rose 

by any other name would smell as sweet."

                                             -Willam Shakespare

Among all my issues, one of my biggest is social anxiety.  It's not just around large groups of people or strangers, although those are huge triggers for me and I stress about events like those for weeks before hand.  No, I also have social anxiety around family and friends in smaller groups as well.  My biggest fear is being embarrassed, sometimes just ordering food can set off my anxieties.

OK, I know you are thinking what does any of this have to do with names?

I freak out when I can't say someones name correctly.  I interviewed 3 daycares before I interviewed the daycare my daughter is at.  Stevi goes to a great daycare that she has been at for 3 years now, but I didn't want to call to set up an interview with the provider because I didn't know how to say her name.  My daughter was at the daycare for 6 months before I even tried to say the providers name.

I have a wonderful sister-in-law whose name I just can't say correctly, no matter how much my brother sounds it out for me.  Of course he has to get in his stupid loud laugh in first, and make me embarrassed for even trying to say it - He's an ass! (I can say that cuz it's true)  Instead I try to find ways to avoid saying her name, like waiting till she is looking at me to talk to her, or sitting close to her so it's obvious I'm talking to her.

Her name is very beautiful, it sounds strong and delicate at the same time.  It fits her perfectly, and I wish I could say it, but I would rather not say it then destroy and mutilate it, I would rather not say it then have my brother laugh at me. (ASS!!)

Those Monsters need to start paying rent.

My daughter is not a big fan of going to bed and going to sleep.

She has had some pretty creative excuses to come out and drag going to bed out, but lately it's all about the monster and their shenanigans.

Last night she told me that 4 monsters lived in her closet, 2 under her bad, and baby monster in her lamp.  I used Monster spray to protect her from the monsters, but she still came out of her room 2 more times.

The first time she told me the monsters in her closet were singing to loudly and she couldn't sleep.

The second time she told me the baby monster was hungry...

Needless to say, if these monsters want to stay living here they better start paying rent!!!

Give up? Never!!

Some people just give up, others never give up yet they keep going in the same direction, and yet other stand back and say "How many times do you have to run into that wall before you realize there is no door there?"

I say "Time to get a damn chainsaw and make my own fricken door!!!"

Good Old Fashion Morning Loathing

Why did I do it?  Why did I think it would be a good idea to step up on my bathroom scale and weigh myself this morning?  Did I feel I needed just another reason to verbally beat myself up, as if I didn't already have enough reasons to do this???

Do you know I love, love, love wearing make-up, I really do, but I wont do it now because I feel it's completely pointless, this is awful but when ever I look over at my make-up sitting on my bathroom sink, I say to myself, "it's like putting lipstick on a pig... it's still a pig"

Why do I have to hate myself so much?  I try so hard to make myself, likable, nice, fun to be around, helpful, happy (at least on the outside) because I think if I don't have enough pleasant qualities no ones would ever want to be around me, because how I see myself is discussing, ugly, negative, depressing, and when I feel lonely, which I do very often I blame myself.

Why do I allow my bathroom scale measure more then my gravitational pull on the earth?  I allow it to measure my beauty, my character, and my self worth.  I wish I didn't, but I do.

My Daughter, The Lying Genius!

A resent study shows that toddlers who master the art of fibbing actually have a fast developing brain and will probably be successful in adulthood.  Lying, which requires the brain to manipulate information, is associated with brain regions that permit higher-order thinking.

This is GOOD to know!!!

Stevi is a very girly 3.5 year old.  She just LOVES to get her nails painted, So Saturday I painted her toes and fingers nail in colors of her liking.  Purple toes nails with blue glitter, and blue finger nails with purple glitter.  Stevi has been known to bite the polish off, so I reminder her not to do this because it's not a good thing to do.  On Sunday her father and I noticed she only had 9 pretty blue painted nails and one completely naked nail.  We asked her if she chewed the polish off and she said "No" and then told us this story...

"A bug came into my room in the middle of the night and ate the polish off this finger, it was a bad bug that does this at night time."

We asked where the bug was now...

"The bad bug went home to its home, because it only eats polish at night time."

I was shocked at the quickness she came up with this story and the way she told us as if it was completely true.  I guess she is using her higher-order thinking!!!!

Birthday Party Stress!!!

You would think planning and hosting a birthday party for a 4 year old is easy peasy...  But it's turning out to be very VERY stressful!!

Last year my sister in law was unable to attend because she works on Saturdays, so I planned to have my daughters party on Sunday this year, But then my sister in-law tells me Saturday is better for her.

So I changed the date, and I liked the day better because it'll be Stevi's actual birthday, But then my boss tells me the annual company BBQ is on my daughters birthday.

So I changed the times, and made the party from 10am - 12pm so we can make the BBQ by 4pm, But then Stevi tells me she wants to invite her ballet class, and ballet is on Saturdays from 10:30am - 11:30am.

So I changed the times AGAIN, now the party is from 12pm - 2pm, I'm hoping with a fast clean up we will only be a tiny bit late to the BBQ...

and thats not all...

Today Stevi tells me at Target she misses her Grandma and Grandpa and can't wait till her party to see them...  But I don't think they are coming, I told Stevi she might have to wait till after her party to see them and she started crying saying they have to come to her party...  Stevi's Aunt is having her 3rd child and Grandma and Grandpa want to be there for the baby's birth so I can't exactly plan around that.

I am so glad we are NOT throwing Stevi a 5th Birthday Party!!!!

"Would You Like A Bag?"

This isn't a post about me ranting about how stupid it is that after spending money in a store, I then have to pay to carry my items out of the store in a bag.  It's not about how I think the store should pay that bag charge as a courtesy to their costumers, especially after someone spent $500 in their store, sheesh give the customer a few 10 cent bags!!

What it is about is how the Customer Service Representative / Cashiers are "selling" these bags.  The Target near my home, when that bag fee started, would ask you, "would you like to buy a bag for 10 cent?"  You then made an informed decision on if you really want that bag.  I personally say no, I have bags in the car that I always forget to bring in, so I bag at my car.

But now they no longer tell you of the charge, all they say is "would you like a bag?"  A few months ago I was behind a gentleman who was here from out of state, when he was asked if he wanted a bag he said Yes...  He then turned to me and said, "That's an odd question, she can see I didn't bring in any reusable bags."  I explained to him that she asked him because the bags cost 10 cent each.  He was shocked, he ask the Cashier why she didn't tell him it wasn't free, she just shrugged and said "I thought everyone already knew."

Sunday I went to a Safeway in Fremont, and the lady asked if I wanted a bag, I asked her "do you charged for them?"  she said "yes".  The couple who had just bought a bunch of things before me, and were, for some reason just standing at the end of the isle, looked up and said "You didn't tell us we had to pay for these bags".  Turns out they weren't from around here, and had never heard of being charged for bags.

I feel if the stores aren't going to pay the bag fee for their customers, at least tell them the price so they know if they want to pay for one, two, or six of them!!!

"Hunter Is Pissing Me Off"

There are morning that are hectic, rushed and crazy.  Most of the time it's because the small humans in our home don't cooperate in a helpful manner.  This morning was my fault I over slept, which rarely happens. The children were amazingly helpful, doing what they needed to do to get ready, so it was more of a relaxed rush.

Hunter got himself cereal and Stevi got a yogurt.  I was in my bathroom putting in my contacts when the tiniest human started yelling "MOMMMMMM... MOOOOOOOOMMM".  So, with one contact in I look down the hall to see Stevi standing in my doorway with both hands on her hips and a scowl on her face.  "MOM HUNTER IS PISSING ME OFF" I look down at this beautiful 3 year old and said "what"? She repeats herself "HUNTER IS PISSING ME OFF"!!!  Now, I heard her perfectly clear the first time, she didn't stutter, but I needed time to think, what do I do...  I chose to ignore what she said and focus on the issue.

I go into the kitchen to see what was "upsetting" Stevi.  Turns out Hunter was telling her she needed to stir her fruit and yogurt together.  I told Hunter to leave his sister alone and allow her eat her yogurt however she wants.  As I turn to go put my other contact in, Stevi pipes up and says "Yeah Hunter, you need to stop pissing me off"

Sigh, I hope my eye-site isn't affected by the frequency of eye rolling that takes place every morning!

Baby Names

We have all heard those baby name that make you think "What the hell were you thinking".  But polite people normally keep those thoughts to themselves and say something like, "oh thats different" or "Is that a family name"

Two of my four children have names that has cause people to say this.

My second child's name is Raistlin.  Pronounced Race-Lyn.  Most people are polite and say one of the polite comments, but I have been asked and told things like "Do you hate your child?" "He is going to get teased" and "At least you were smart enough to give him a normal middle name"

My youngest child is my Princess, he name is Stevi Rae and most comments have been kind.  Some people were surprised that after having 3 boys I didn't give my one daughter a more "girly" name.  My brother even called her Jessica for the first year of her life.

Picking a name for your child is a personal one, it is a process that isn't always easy.  No parent wants to be criticized for giving their child a name that they truly love.  You don't have to lie, but be polite!!

Family... and fitting in.

Generally if you don't fit in anywhere at least you fit in at home with your family.

For over 30 years I've wanted nothing more then a strong loving family.  A place to fit in, no matter what I may be going though, no matter what other family members may be going though, No matter what!

But for a long time now I've been that square peg trying to force myself into that round hole.  Other then my brother my biological family is a joke.  (not the funny ha-ha kind joke, the cruel distasteful kind of joke)  My foster family is something I tried for a long time to fit in too, but most of them want nothing to do with me, and those who do act like all the terrible things they did to my brother and I either didn't matter or didn't happen.*  One day I just woke up and realized I didn't need this in my life, and stopped trying so hard to be a part of a family that wanted no part of me.

The truth is, when I stopped trying so hard and I just sat back and looked around I realize what I have is enough, it's nice and it's mine.  I have a lovely Boyfriend, wonderful children.  I have great in-laws, a pain in the ass brother ( The kind of pain in the ass you love) beautiful nephews and a beautiful niece.  I am a very lucky person with people who want to be in my life as much as I want to be in theirs!!!

*(side note, there is a small wonderful family that is a part of my foster family that are good people - The Khans,  I still consider Ellen and Charles my Aunt and Uncle, and their children my cousins.  They were the only ones that treated me like family, that loved me because of me.  A few times Aunt Ellen would let me stay at their home when things were just to unbearable to my home.  Even though I only see them on facebook now, they were a light in a dark time in my life.)

Sidewalk Chalk Drama

Stevi got some really nice sidewalk chalk in her Easter Basket this year.  I try hard to find fun useful things to put in Easter Baskets so they aren't just filled with sugar, sugar, and more sugar!! (my friend Susan would say, "whats wrong with that?")

Well Stevi and the little girl downstairs love playing with the chalk, they make rainbows, butterflies, happy faces, and flowers.  Of course since they are 3 and 5, 90% of what they draw looks like scribbles to me.

Yesterday a few older boys started messing with the girls so I told Stevi and her brother they needed to come home and bring the chalk, but when they got home more then half the chalk was missing.  Hunter said he wasn't sure what happened, that the girls had the chalk everywhere and the other boys might have taken some.  I wasn't happy, but I didn't think much of it.

Then today I received a phone call from the apartment complex telling me that it has been reported that my child and the little girl down stairs drew violent and and inappropriate things on the sidewalk in chalk.  I had to explain that my 3 year old daughter had her chalk taken by some older children, that when my children came home the only thing on the sidewalk was a few hearts, rainbows and a ton of scribbles.

So now sidewalk chalk is being banned form our complex.  It's both a sad thing and a good thing.  Good because my child can't be blamed for doing something she isn't even capable of doing, and sad because these older trouble making children not only bother my children, but now they have taken more then chalk from my daughter, they have taken something that she loved doing away, and now just a tiny bit of her fun has be tossed aside.

I'm NOT Against Piercing a Baby's Ears.

I thought I was against piercing the ears of babies.  I even had "excuses" to support why I thought it shouldn't be done.

While working in a pediatrics office, I met a six year old who had a split ear lobe,  looked like a forked tongue.   Her mother told me that she had her ears pierced as a new born, when she was about 18 months old her earring got caught on the netting in her play-pin and ripped the earring straight out.

I use to say,  they are my daughters ears not mine, it's her body and I don't have a right to change it.

I don't want my daughter to think she needs anything to "make" her beautiful.  I want my daughter to have a healthy body image.  I don't have a very healthy body image, I dislike many things physically about myself, and am very insecure, I don't want that for my child.  I'm not saying having her ears pierced would cause her to feel negatively about herself, I just want her to know that earrings aren't for making her beautiful, she is beautiful because of who she is.

When my daughter turned 3 she started asking me to get her ears pierced.  I didn't think she was ready so I said no.  Some of the little girls at daycare had them and she wanted them too.  Then 3 months ago she started ballet and many of the girls there have their ears pierced and the requests started to happen weekly.  Then my daughter's new born cousin got her ears pierced and I knew she wouldn't let it go if she saw that.

Stevi and I went to the mall, and this is when it hit me, I'm not against having my daughter get her ears pierced.  I just wanted to shared in this experience with her, I wanted her to have fond memories of it, the way I do with my mom.  I can remember my mom holding my hand when I got mine done, I can remember her telling me she was proud of me for not crying.  Holding my daughters hand when she had hers done has been one of the best mother daughter days I've had so far.

So for me, not piercing my daughters ears wasn't about the reasons I gave, but about wanting to create fond memories, like the ones I have with my mom.

Loving the Sharks is like Child Birth

"I GIVE UP ON THE SHARKS!!" "ITS THE SAME THING EVERY YEAR" "WHAT THE HELL???"

These were just some of the things said in my living room last night, and in previous years as well.  In fact I've heard these type of rants for a few year now, disappointment and man pouting is also involved.  (Man pouting is similar to child pouting, but swear words are spoken when you call them on it)

Right after a woman gives birth the pain is right there on the tip of her memory and she is in NO hurry to do that again!  Sometimes women say "Never Again, it hurt just to badly"  But after sometime has passed, and the pain is a distant memory and only the endless possibilities the new little person has given you, you start to think about having another little bundle of joy.

I think loving the Sharks is about the same.  Yes, anger and disappointment are the evil monsters looming in my apartment right now, but in a few months they will soon vacant to make room for their distant cousins, Hope and Excitement, and when October gets here the pain of last night wont be nearly as awful as it is today.

You Can Be Anything you Want???

We have all told our children "You can be anything you want to be when you grow up".  We want to expand their imaginations and let them explore the possibilities of being all that they dream of.

My 3 year old told me this morning "When I grow up I want to be a Cupcake Fairy".  In fact in the past month the things she has wanted to be has ranged from Mermaid to Princess Ballerina that flies to a Good Witch that turns boys into girls (because boys are bad and girls are good).

I've looked, I can't find a college that has a Mermaid training course, or a trade school specializing in the fairy arts.

She has awhile before she has to choose a career, and I love hearing all the things she "is" going to be when she grows up.

Twilight Zone... Play on!

I once had a very traumatic experience, and in the background played the twilight zone music, I didn't like the music before that, and after that, hearing that song would but me into a severe panic attack.

As an adult I simply avoid listening to this ever so popular music... And that has served me fine, until now!

For my daughter's 5th Birthday we wont be having a birthday party for her, instead we will be taking her for her first trip to Disneyland and Disney California Adventure Park.

It's been 17 years since my last trip to Disneyland, and I've never been to California Adventure Park.  There is a ride there I so want to go on.  The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror.  It's my kind of ride, except for the music.

I have 16 months to desensitize myself from my Panic Attacks and Anxieties when I hear the music.  I'll let you all know how this goes!! HAHA......ha ha.... 

Smiles in Dark Places

I mention quite often that my childhood was unpleasant, but I can remember some enjoyable times too, and they mostly revolve around TV.

Shows like Knight Rider, Dukes of Hazard, Wonder Woman, The Incredible Hulk, The A Team, The Love Boat, and Fantasy Island give me the warm fuzzies.  It's not because of how great the acting was on Knight Rider, or the amazing stories told on The Love Boat.  It's the memories of sitting with my brother and enjoying these shows with him.  As children I fought him my brother too much and mostly for no real reason, but  even as a child I loved watching TV with him.

I see these shows on TVLand sometimes, and I stop to watch a little bit just for the smiles and the happy feelings they leave.

Saying Yes More Then Saying No.

As a child I can remember being dragged to fairs, carnivals, street festivals, flea markets and other type events.   I hated it because I wasn't allowed to do anything when we would go.

There was this stupid sand art thing I always wanted to do at many of these places, and I was always told no.  In fact about 95% of the things I wanted to do or buy at these places I was told no.  I never found going to any of these event fun because it just involved alot of walking and hearing the word no 100 times.

Yesterday I took my daughter to a Fantasy Faire and we all had so much fun.  I said yes more then I said no and I think it made the difference.  She got a mermaid painted on her arm, she blew fairy bubbles, climbed on a pirate ship, decorated a crown, rode on the back of a unicorn, found eggs hidden by a dragon, hid from the fairy catcher, beat her dad at a top battle, and shot peanuts at little bells.  

I did say no once, I wouldn't buy her a $30 tiara, but she didn't get upset, she went to the next booth to see what was going on somewhere else.

I didn't spend an arm and a leg for her to do these activities, and she didn't have to see all the other fairies and princesses playing, doing things and feeling left out.  

  

National Sibling Day

I have no idea what national sibling day is about...

But I will tell you about my sibling.  He's pretty awesome, even though he thinks he's more awesome then he really is.  He's really fun to be around, and LOUD when he's had to much to drink.

He has been my brother for 38 years, and even though we don't always agree on things, and we have had our share of fights, I am super lucky to have him for my brother.

We had a pretty crappy childhood, and even though I wouldn't wish what we went though on anyone, I am happy I had him by my side as a child.

I was a terrible sister, I pick on him and beat him up, promised him things I never planned to give him, I made him dress up as a girl and then had him ride his bike down the street for my own entertainment.  As adults he enjoys being a dick to me whenever he gets the chance, probably for payback.

Through all of everything we have remained close.  No matter what he will always be my brother, I would do anything for him, and love him very much.

I Just Don't Get It

Fighting, Boxing, or MMA

I just don't get it.  I don't understand the thrill of seeing someone beating up someone else for the sport of it.  Viewing someone inflicting pain on someone else and seeing someone getting the crap beat out of them, I just don't get it.

I want my children to be whatever they want to be, but deep down inside there are things I hope my children wont be.  I hope my child never hurts someone no matter how much it pays, I hope my child is never physically beat up for a paycheck.

For me, I see MMA as being barbaric, violent and dangerous, and  90% of boxers will have sustained a brain injury by the end of their careers. If this was something one of my children decided to do, I would still love them as much as ever, but I would never go see them fight.  I just couldn't bear seeing my child, no matter what age, hurt and bleeding.

Maybe it's the mother in me, or the overly sensitive person that I am, but I just don't get it.

It's Fun To Have Funds!

It's really funny to see how a child thinks...  These two examples has taken place in my home in just the last week.

Hunter is 12, and very bright.  Recently his mattress has started falling apart and we asked him if he would mind sleeping on an air mattress for a short period of time until we move and then we will buy him a bedroom set.  He loved the idea and asked how soon he can get one.  I explained that we have more funds at the end of the month, so closer to the end of the month is more likely.  He thought about it for a minute and then asked "So you want me to have more fun with the air mattress, thats why you're making me wait?'

I had to explain the difference between funds and fun...  True though, it is more fun to have more funds!!

Stevi is 3.5 going on 15!  Many times when we are shopping in Milpitas, we can smell the dump.  Stevi will ask us what that smell is, and we reply "Milpitas".  This morning she came to me and told me her room is milpitas.  Not knowing what she said or what she was talking about I asked her repeat herself.  She told me "I think Hunter farted in my room, my room is now milpitas"

I realized she thinks "Milpitas" is a type of smell, not a city.

I'm A NONSMOKER!!

When I felt like it was a chore to go out and have a cigarette, when I saw my 2 year old daughter pretending to smoke, when I just couldn't climb the stairs anymore without gasping for air, I knew it was time for me to really quit smoking.

I've quit smoking before, a few times before, and for long periods of time.  I quit every time I was pregnant and during nursing my babies.  But I always quit for their health, not mine and shortly after weening my children I would be back to smoking.

Last year as I approached my 40th birthday I just decided enough was enough and I needed to, and I wanted to quit.

The support I got form my amazing boyfriend was awesome, because he didn't just support me, but he quit too, and I am so proud of him and so thankful he decided to quit too, I don't think I would have been able to do it without him. let me rephrase that, I KNOW  I wouldn't have been able to do it without him.

Today is our one year non-smoking anniversary!!!

Lazily being Busy

My 17 year old asked me yesterday why I haven't posted anything in awhile, and the truth is I didn't really have an answer for him.

I've been a combination of super busy and super lazy.  I think the lazy part has out ranked the busy part on most days!

It's not like I have ran out of things to write about, I think of topics everyday, like "Bison Can Make Great Pets", "Toe Pulling", and "The Bug Hero"

So, for Raistlin, I will commit to writing at least 15 posts in April!

Apartment Trap

Five years ago when we moved into our 2 bed 2 bath apartment on the third floor, we were so happy.  It was a huge upgrade to where we were living.  After five years of climbing 2 flights of stairs, out growing our space, and living very close to a soon to be Traffic Maker, we have decided to start our quest to move.  Our plan was to take our sweet sweet time and look and move if we found something.  We allocated money to move with.  I redid the budget to see what we can afford, and for the last 4 years our lease has been a month to month so no problems...

Well yesterday I was told that as of May 1st we have to go back to a year lease, and if we break it we have to pay a $1,400 Termination Fee.  That is just Crazy Talk!!!

So our choices are to rush around and try to find something, stay put for another year, or try and allocate some more funds so we can more when we want.

I'm a bit upset by these turn of events!!!

Junior High, High School, and Life

I had coffee with a good friend this last Sunday and we talked about all kinds of stuff.  One topic that has got me thinking...Thinking ALOT, was our life in junior high, high school, and life.

Junior high was tough, New Friends, New Enemies, New Classes, New Self...

High school not as tough, Maintaining old friends as they find new friends, Maintaining self as you find new self...again, Maintaining grades while keeping busy with sports/outside actives.

Life is a roller-coaster of tough and easy wrapped up in newspaper and a shinny bow. We do things like raising a family (whether its children, a spouse, furry babies, or even yourself) Work our butts off to pay bills, Keeping friends, finding old friends, forcing co-workers to be your friends, and don't forget about being a "Grown Up" (it's not as fun as I thought it would be)

I guess if I had to pick a time to go back to, you know one of those weird questions that a kid would ask you "If someone put a gun to your head and told you to pick a time to travel back to in their DeLorean, what time in your life would you return too?"

99% of my childhood was FUCKED UP!!! But I had alot of fun in junior high.  I had friends, probably the most friends I ever had, I had sleep overs, and stayed up late watching scary movies and playing with Ouija Boards.  It may not have been the best time of my life... But it was the funnest!!

Happy Birthday!

"Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar.  Here's what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer.  Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it's still with a stabbing pain to the heart.  And you have guilt.  Guilt because it's been too long since you missed them last."
~Kristin O'Donnell Tubb, The 13th Sign

Today would have been my mother's 58th birthday.  Even though I lost her 34 years ago, there are days I miss her as much as I did the day I found out that she had died.  True some days are harder then other days, but the loss never goes away, the pain doesn't go away, sure there are days I don't think of her at all, but during those times that I miss her, it hurts.

Happy Birthday!

Quitting Food!

It's been almost a full year since I quit smoking.  I don't want to say it was easy, but it wasn't as hard as I though it would be.  I mean I've quit before, I didn't smoke while pregnant or nursing any of my children, but I quit for them and not me, this time I quit for me and I feel great.

Quitting smoking was only one step of my goal of becoming a healthier me.  The other goals were to lose weight and get in regular exercise.  Well I'm failing on these both!!

I mean it should be easy right?  who doesn't want to go to the gym after a long day at work instead of collapsing on the sofa and vegging out while watching Grey's Anatomy?

I started off great, Aug 1st I joined weight watchers, my weight loss program of choice, between Aug and Oct I lost 24 pounds, Then the holidays hit and the new year.  I had to redo the 2014 budget and I just didn't have the funds to support my monthly weight watchers fee.  I weighed myself this morning and I have gained 19 of those pounds back.  I am working on the plan on my own, but I'm just not motivated right now.

I think quitting smoking was easier then losing weight because I can avoid cigarettes but I can't avoid food.

Little Toes

This last Saturday I got to do something I've been waiting to do Since the Doctor said "It's a girl"  I took my 3 year old daughter to her first dance class.

It was one of the best feelings in the world as I stood at the dance room door taking picture after picture of my little girl learning ballet.  At one point my eye's welled up but I fought back those tears because I didn't want to be one of "those moms".

Even though I'm a little sad I'm losing my baby, my last baby, my only baby girl, I am so excite about this new chapter is my daughters life.

O.C.D is D.U.M!!

I have been clinically diagnosed with moderate OCD.  Many times I can function just fine.  Sometimes I need to "fix" things to make them just right in order to function, and other times I freak out and shut down until I can accept and change a "tick" to make it acceptable in a new way.

I like even numbers... and the number five, five is the only odd number I like.  2 is my favorite number, but not my lucky number.  Anyways,  we have 4 different magazines at work in our lobby.  When a new magazine comes in I place it on top and toss the oldest, that way there is always new material for our patients to read.

VERY LONG STORY SHORT, one of the New Yorkers had to be removed due to sensitivity reasons and now there is only 1 in the lobby.  This has upset me to no end, almost to the point of tears, I'm almost ready to cry just typing this.

I truly hate having OCD when it makes me feel like a complete idiot and fool.  I wish I had a cooler problem like a gluten allergy, hyper sensitive hair growth, or everything tastes like ice cream disease.

You Can't Tell Me Where To Park!!!

How many of you have parked your Hummer in a clean air only parking space at the grocery store???

I don't have a Hummer, but I have parked in one of these spots from time to time at my local grocery store and at the near by CVS.  Unlike Handicap Parking, that are regulated by the law, and make perfect sense why they are needed and used,  Clean Air Only Parking doesn't seem fair.

 I just had to check with a few Police Officers, one Parking Patrol Officer, and a little internet research, these spots are not regulated by law enforcement in the state of California (if you live elsewhere you may need to do some research)

This is the part I don't understand... Why does someone who drive a clean air vehicle need to park right up front?  Is the store trying to reward those who have enough money that they can run out and buy a Prius?  In the same sense are they punishing me for having a car I can afford, but don't have what they consider "Clean Air"?  Hey, My car passed it's smog and is legal!  Just because your Leaf can pass it's smug, you are no better then me.   (Yes, that's a reference from South Park's Season 10 Episode 2 "Smug Alert)

I don't park in the family spots without my family, I respect our veterans for all that they have done for our country, and leave those spot alone, but I have a hard time "respecting" those clean air parking spots!!!

TV Happiness

We bought a new TV and Entertainment Center and I am happy.  But, it's not the physical TV that's making me happy.

Last year when I received my tax return, I had many financial obligations and the money went to paying off these responsibilities.

I told my boyfriend that I wanted to get a new TV and Entertainment Center with the next years tax return.  He and I decided this is what we would do.  In order to do so, we budgetted every penny, we cut all those things we didn't need.  We made sure to stay on top of our bills and were careful to not over spend, even if that meant going to 3 different grocery stores.  We almost never ate out unless it was a special occasion, and no, "We made it though another Monday" didn't qualify as a special occasion.  We even quit smoking, although that wasn't entirely for the financial benefits, but I do have to admit it's nice not having the budget money for those nasty little habit sticks.

One year later I received my tax return and we picked out a nice TV and nice Entertainment Center.

I'm happy that we have come so far from where we started.

There's a Penny in my Washer and I Can't Get it Out!

I know what you are thinking, you think this penny is stuck in my washer somehow and that I have tried to remove it but can't.  Well you are wrong if you do indeed think this.

The penny is at the bottom of my washer faced down.  Every time I do wash I hope that the penny will flip over and I can then pick it up and remove it from the washer, but it hasn't flipped over in 2 weeks and I'm starting to think it may stay there forever.

For some reason I am convinced picking a penny up that is tails up is very bad luck.  I know that believing in good luck and bad luck it silly and childish.  I know that good and bad events that happen to us are typically caused by actions we have done, but no matter what I tell myself I just can't pick the penny up.  I can pick other coins up that are tails up, just not pennies.

I can tell you this, that penny is going to be super clean when I am finally able to remove it from my washer.

Happy Holitines Day!!

My daughter is the cutest little girl in the world!  Yes I know, every mother who has a little girl has said this, but in my case it's the truth.

Today is Valentines Day and my daughter has combined Happy Holiday with Happy Valentines Day, which is Happy Holitinies Day.

She is getting bigger and more grown up everyday and she will soon speak perfect english, but until then I will enjoy every cute thing that comes out of her mouth.

Sumting - "I want sumting good for dinner"
Nonfing - "Stevi what are hiding under that pillow?" "Nonfing"
Monk - "What do you want to drink?" "Chocolate Monk"
O' Tay - My brother loved this one. obviously it's for OK
Chop Stick - I don't know why, but this is what she calls a Cheese stick.
Pretties - any hair accessory is called a pretty.
Lip Polish - I hope she calls lip gloss Lip polish forever because thats just too cute!!

Someday she'll be be grown, but today she is my perfect little 3 year old who has wished me a Happy Holitines Day.

Happy Holitines Day to all of you!!!

Chicken Fried Steak Fried Chicken Fried Huh?!?!

I lived in Texas for 5 years, and during that time I learned about some "new" foods.  Some good, some bad and some confused the hell outta me.

Okra was a food I hadn't heard about before I moved to Texas.  It's very hard to put into words how this vegetable makes me feel, but I'll try.  Ok.... Lets say the Jolly Green Giant had a cold, and he blew his nose, well his hanky would be full of okra!!

HUSHPUPPYS!! Now these are truly something to write home about!!  A hushpuppy is a savory, starch-based food made from cornmeal batter that is deep fried in a small ball shape.  It's like a corn dog with out the hotdog.  I fell in love with these nuggets of gold.

I must have been in Texas for a month before I asked my good friend what Chicken Fried Steak was.  He told me it was Steak fried like Chicken.  Simply enough to understand.  Then another month passes and I see Chicken Fried Chicken on the menu.  So I say to my friend "Isn't this just Fried Chicken?" he replied "No, it's Chicken Fried like Steak Fried like Chicken." WHAT?!?!?!?! That's FRIED CHICKEN!!

This is something that will bother me forever, Chicken Fried Chicken is nothing more the Fried Chicken!!

I'm ok with saying, I don't Like Monkey Brains.

Have you ever been asked "How do you know you don't like it if you never tried it"?

I believe that after a period of time, knowing what we do and don't like, we have the ability to determine things we may or may not like without trying them.  Sure we may be wrong, but chances are we wont be.

I just asked my 12 year old if he liked being punched in the face.  He said "No".  I asked him if he had ever been punched in the face, he said "No". So then I asked him how he knew he didn't like getting punched in the face.  His response we simple.  "Because I've been punched other places and it hurt".

You can apply the same logic to food.  I don't like peas.  I don't like split pea soup, so I don't need to taste mushy peas to know I don't like it.

I don't like tongue, tried it once thought I was going to die.  I don't like tripe, I spit that out once and I think I did die.  So Yes, I am completely ok with saying "I don't like Monkey Brains!".

If I love it, it came from my mother. If I hate it, it came from my father.

I was only seven when I lost my mother, and yet I consider myself lucky because I have memories of her.  I remember wanting to be just like her. She was pretty, and kind and I loved her so much.

My Father isn't someone I talk about because I dislike him very much.  He's immature and plays the victim card every chance he can, he's an all around bad person.

There are things I love about myself.  I love my nose, it's perfect and it's my mom nose, I want to get a nose piecing, but don't think my boss would like that.  I enjoy being on the shorter side of height, my mom was short too.  My mom enjoyed baking and sewing and so do I. I.  I love my legs but I have to be honest I think I got those from 4 years in Marching Band.

There are things I hate about myself as well.  I hate my hairline, it's gives me a huge forehead (or fivehead as my lovely boyfriend says...But never about me) I hate my chin, it's a butt chin and it's ugly, I can be very needy at times and I have a huge desire to have everyone like me.  These qualities all come from my father.

The biggest insult my brother and I have ever used to hurt the other is saying "you are just like dad".  Saying this is truly the worse thing you can say to me.  On the flip-side, I can remember being told "You look just like your mother"  Even as a young child it made me beam with happiness, there is no better compliment in the world then knowing I may be even a little bit like her.

My Mom holding my baby brother

One Person.

Do you have that one person in your life that drives you CRAZY!!  Not the typical crazy, the kind of crazy that takes over every part of your being?

You guessed it, I have this one person in my life.  I love this person dearly and yet he can make me so mad and frustrated I honestly don’t know what to do with myself.

I’ve had many of my friends tell me they enjoy reading my blog, but this one person, made a comment that made me cry (please refer to the crybaby post).  I don’t know why I care so much to have him care, I just do.  He would rather spend his time playing candy crush then taking a few minutes to read my bog, and that’s ok, but to feel he needs to let me know it’s not worth his time, hurt me.

I considered ending my blog last night, even today, but the truth is I enjoy writing this and have learned to accept that this one person will never be impressed with anything I do and that’s ok, I still love him.

I wonder though would I still love him as much as I do if he wasn’t family?  I dunno, but I do know he would probably be nicer to me if I wasn’t his sister.

Tofu

I can't stand the smell of tofu, the look of tofu, and the thought of putting tofu in my mouth.

In the early years of my marriage to my second husband, we lived with my husband's father.  His father owned a 5 foot long, fully grown iguana named George.

I didn't mind George, I didn't bother him and he didn't bother me.  In fact we sorta liked each other, But I think he liked me more then I liked him, mainly because I am so much more entertaining then the average reptile.

Georges favorite meal was tofu.  Fresh tofu has a faint, mild smell.  Old tofu has a stronger robust odor.  Tofu that has been pooped out of an iguana smells so rancid it makes the aroma of wet dog smell like a delightful perfume you buy at Macy's.

I may have only lived with George for 2 years, but my hatred for tofu will last a lifetime.

Mmmmmmmmm, Not.

The love of my life is a professional chef, he and I enjoy watching cooking shows.  We watch cooking game shows like Chopped, Guy vs. Rachael, and Hell's Kitchen.  We watch the reality shows like Ace of Cakes and Kitchen Nightmares. We watch our favorites like old Julia Child shows, Jacques Pepin, and Alton Brown.   We watch people we don't care for like Martha Steward and the Powder Sugar King (I dont know who he is, all I know is he likes putting powdered sugar on EVERYTHING)

And then there is America's Test Kitchen... I love this show and I hate this show.

What do I like? Well they are always perfecting recipes that I've never heard of, like The Best Grilled Lamb Kofte, or they are improving things that don't need improving like The Chocolate Chip Cookie.

My problem with the show, and it's a pretty big problem, is after the new and improved recipe is done, the creepy, skinny, old guy and the lady that did all the work tastes the finished product and they start making the most disturbing, disgusting Yummy noises, as if they are having some kind of edible sex right there in front of me.

Dear America's test Kitchen,

I get that you just made the worlds oldest recipe into a modern master piece, but please stop having foodgasms on film.  If you just can't stop, can you please hire someone else to taste the food and make the obscene Mmmm Mmmm Sounds, Preferably Ryan Reynolds and Me?