Good Old Fashion Morning Loathing

Why did I do it?  Why did I think it would be a good idea to step up on my bathroom scale and weigh myself this morning?  Did I feel I needed just another reason to verbally beat myself up, as if I didn't already have enough reasons to do this???

Do you know I love, love, love wearing make-up, I really do, but I wont do it now because I feel it's completely pointless, this is awful but when ever I look over at my make-up sitting on my bathroom sink, I say to myself, "it's like putting lipstick on a pig... it's still a pig"

Why do I have to hate myself so much?  I try so hard to make myself, likable, nice, fun to be around, helpful, happy (at least on the outside) because I think if I don't have enough pleasant qualities no ones would ever want to be around me, because how I see myself is discussing, ugly, negative, depressing, and when I feel lonely, which I do very often I blame myself.

Why do I allow my bathroom scale measure more then my gravitational pull on the earth?  I allow it to measure my beauty, my character, and my self worth.  I wish I didn't, but I do.

My Daughter, The Lying Genius!

A resent study shows that toddlers who master the art of fibbing actually have a fast developing brain and will probably be successful in adulthood.  Lying, which requires the brain to manipulate information, is associated with brain regions that permit higher-order thinking.

This is GOOD to know!!!

Stevi is a very girly 3.5 year old.  She just LOVES to get her nails painted, So Saturday I painted her toes and fingers nail in colors of her liking.  Purple toes nails with blue glitter, and blue finger nails with purple glitter.  Stevi has been known to bite the polish off, so I reminder her not to do this because it's not a good thing to do.  On Sunday her father and I noticed she only had 9 pretty blue painted nails and one completely naked nail.  We asked her if she chewed the polish off and she said "No" and then told us this story...

"A bug came into my room in the middle of the night and ate the polish off this finger, it was a bad bug that does this at night time."

We asked where the bug was now...

"The bad bug went home to its home, because it only eats polish at night time."

I was shocked at the quickness she came up with this story and the way she told us as if it was completely true.  I guess she is using her higher-order thinking!!!!

Birthday Party Stress!!!

You would think planning and hosting a birthday party for a 4 year old is easy peasy...  But it's turning out to be very VERY stressful!!

Last year my sister in law was unable to attend because she works on Saturdays, so I planned to have my daughters party on Sunday this year, But then my sister in-law tells me Saturday is better for her.

So I changed the date, and I liked the day better because it'll be Stevi's actual birthday, But then my boss tells me the annual company BBQ is on my daughters birthday.

So I changed the times, and made the party from 10am - 12pm so we can make the BBQ by 4pm, But then Stevi tells me she wants to invite her ballet class, and ballet is on Saturdays from 10:30am - 11:30am.

So I changed the times AGAIN, now the party is from 12pm - 2pm, I'm hoping with a fast clean up we will only be a tiny bit late to the BBQ...

and thats not all...

Today Stevi tells me at Target she misses her Grandma and Grandpa and can't wait till her party to see them...  But I don't think they are coming, I told Stevi she might have to wait till after her party to see them and she started crying saying they have to come to her party...  Stevi's Aunt is having her 3rd child and Grandma and Grandpa want to be there for the baby's birth so I can't exactly plan around that.

I am so glad we are NOT throwing Stevi a 5th Birthday Party!!!!

"Would You Like A Bag?"

This isn't a post about me ranting about how stupid it is that after spending money in a store, I then have to pay to carry my items out of the store in a bag.  It's not about how I think the store should pay that bag charge as a courtesy to their costumers, especially after someone spent $500 in their store, sheesh give the customer a few 10 cent bags!!

What it is about is how the Customer Service Representative / Cashiers are "selling" these bags.  The Target near my home, when that bag fee started, would ask you, "would you like to buy a bag for 10 cent?"  You then made an informed decision on if you really want that bag.  I personally say no, I have bags in the car that I always forget to bring in, so I bag at my car.

But now they no longer tell you of the charge, all they say is "would you like a bag?"  A few months ago I was behind a gentleman who was here from out of state, when he was asked if he wanted a bag he said Yes...  He then turned to me and said, "That's an odd question, she can see I didn't bring in any reusable bags."  I explained to him that she asked him because the bags cost 10 cent each.  He was shocked, he ask the Cashier why she didn't tell him it wasn't free, she just shrugged and said "I thought everyone already knew."

Sunday I went to a Safeway in Fremont, and the lady asked if I wanted a bag, I asked her "do you charged for them?"  she said "yes".  The couple who had just bought a bunch of things before me, and were, for some reason just standing at the end of the isle, looked up and said "You didn't tell us we had to pay for these bags".  Turns out they weren't from around here, and had never heard of being charged for bags.

I feel if the stores aren't going to pay the bag fee for their customers, at least tell them the price so they know if they want to pay for one, two, or six of them!!!

"Hunter Is Pissing Me Off"

There are morning that are hectic, rushed and crazy.  Most of the time it's because the small humans in our home don't cooperate in a helpful manner.  This morning was my fault I over slept, which rarely happens. The children were amazingly helpful, doing what they needed to do to get ready, so it was more of a relaxed rush.

Hunter got himself cereal and Stevi got a yogurt.  I was in my bathroom putting in my contacts when the tiniest human started yelling "MOMMMMMM... MOOOOOOOOMMM".  So, with one contact in I look down the hall to see Stevi standing in my doorway with both hands on her hips and a scowl on her face.  "MOM HUNTER IS PISSING ME OFF" I look down at this beautiful 3 year old and said "what"? She repeats herself "HUNTER IS PISSING ME OFF"!!!  Now, I heard her perfectly clear the first time, she didn't stutter, but I needed time to think, what do I do...  I chose to ignore what she said and focus on the issue.

I go into the kitchen to see what was "upsetting" Stevi.  Turns out Hunter was telling her she needed to stir her fruit and yogurt together.  I told Hunter to leave his sister alone and allow her eat her yogurt however she wants.  As I turn to go put my other contact in, Stevi pipes up and says "Yeah Hunter, you need to stop pissing me off"

Sigh, I hope my eye-site isn't affected by the frequency of eye rolling that takes place every morning!

Baby Names

We have all heard those baby name that make you think "What the hell were you thinking".  But polite people normally keep those thoughts to themselves and say something like, "oh thats different" or "Is that a family name"

Two of my four children have names that has cause people to say this.

My second child's name is Raistlin.  Pronounced Race-Lyn.  Most people are polite and say one of the polite comments, but I have been asked and told things like "Do you hate your child?" "He is going to get teased" and "At least you were smart enough to give him a normal middle name"

My youngest child is my Princess, he name is Stevi Rae and most comments have been kind.  Some people were surprised that after having 3 boys I didn't give my one daughter a more "girly" name.  My brother even called her Jessica for the first year of her life.

Picking a name for your child is a personal one, it is a process that isn't always easy.  No parent wants to be criticized for giving their child a name that they truly love.  You don't have to lie, but be polite!!

Family... and fitting in.

Generally if you don't fit in anywhere at least you fit in at home with your family.

For over 30 years I've wanted nothing more then a strong loving family.  A place to fit in, no matter what I may be going though, no matter what other family members may be going though, No matter what!

But for a long time now I've been that square peg trying to force myself into that round hole.  Other then my brother my biological family is a joke.  (not the funny ha-ha kind joke, the cruel distasteful kind of joke)  My foster family is something I tried for a long time to fit in too, but most of them want nothing to do with me, and those who do act like all the terrible things they did to my brother and I either didn't matter or didn't happen.*  One day I just woke up and realized I didn't need this in my life, and stopped trying so hard to be a part of a family that wanted no part of me.

The truth is, when I stopped trying so hard and I just sat back and looked around I realize what I have is enough, it's nice and it's mine.  I have a lovely Boyfriend, wonderful children.  I have great in-laws, a pain in the ass brother ( The kind of pain in the ass you love) beautiful nephews and a beautiful niece.  I am a very lucky person with people who want to be in my life as much as I want to be in theirs!!!

*(side note, there is a small wonderful family that is a part of my foster family that are good people - The Khans,  I still consider Ellen and Charles my Aunt and Uncle, and their children my cousins.  They were the only ones that treated me like family, that loved me because of me.  A few times Aunt Ellen would let me stay at their home when things were just to unbearable to my home.  Even though I only see them on facebook now, they were a light in a dark time in my life.)