Until There Was No Tomorrow.

Have you ever put something off because you can do it tomorrow?  Who hasn't, I mean life can be over whelming and swallow you whole, leaving you with no choice but to put something off for tomorrow, next week, next month, even next year!

Many times, I post things on my blog to help release the feelings I may be having, or to help people understand just how screwed up my thinking is.  This time, this post, I want to express some of my demons without disrespecting the memory of a good man who had an amazing gift.

Recently a very good friend, best friend, of my brother's past away.  This friend wasn't just a best friend, in some ways I believe he helped my brother through some of the hardest times in his life, and even though my brother still had many more hard times to come and go through before he became the man he is today, I credit some of his sanity (what little sanity my brother has) to this friend.

On top of being a good friend to my brother, he was an AMAZING artist.  He and I had many conversations about his art.  He had a gift and over the years we would make plans to do different projects.  Our first idea was to do a "child's" nursery book, it was going to use all the old mother goose nursery rhythms, and he was going to do the illustrations, but in his way, in his style.  Another time he offered to come and do a mural on my son's wall, we didn't own the home so that never happened.  Over the last 23 years we had made plans and they all fizzled out, I blame myself for that, maybe if I followed through more, one of our ideas would have happened, maybe.

About a year ago, I contacted him and told him of a painting he had done that I very much wanted.  Since I have always wanted to own a piece of his art, he promised me the work of art.  We made plans to meet so I could get the painting, but they fell through, over the next 12 months we must have made 5-7 appointments to get together, each time he or I would cancel or reschedule.  No biggy, there was always tomorrow, until there was no tomorrow.

I am now unable to get this painting, and the feelings I have about that is a jumbled mess.

It is really upsetting me that I am upset about not getting the painting.  I feel like I'm selfish and disrespectful toward him and his death for even wanting the painting.  I am so angry at myself for not putting more effect into getting the painting when I had the chance, and I'm angry at myself for being angry.

Before his death it was all about wanting a piece of his art, but now it's about wanting a piece of who he was, a piece of what he meant to me.  I will miss him always.

I LOVE Shoes!!!!

Have you ever loved something and forgotten how much you love something??

I love shoes, I know that I love shoes, I just forgot just how much I love shoes, until today.

I rarely spend money on myself, and when I do it's normally for things I need.  I have a few pairs of shoes, they were bought at a second hand store and they are ok.  They look ok, the feel ok, they do their job covering my feet.

Then there are the shoes I'm wearing today.  I bought these back in October for a special occasion.  I also bought 2 dresses to wear with them, one for the special occasion and one for work.  I've been putting off wearing the work dress because of insecurities, but today went ahead and wore it anyways.  The shoes look pretty, they feel pretty, and they make me feel better about myself.

I can't wait to buy another pair of pretty shoes!!!!

Rude Joggers

I've recently started getting up at 6am to walk 1.5 miles before starting my day.  Even though it's hard dragging my butt out of bed every morning, giving up that extra hour of sleep, I rather enjoy the cool air and alone time to collect my thoughts.

I walk on a trail that is paved, it's a walking/bike trail and each lane is big enough for 2 bikers to ride side by side or 3 joggers side by side.  At 6am you mostly only see a few joggers here and there, another reason I enjoy the mornings, because the trail is pretty empty.

When ever I hear some one behind me I more over as far to the right as I can, I normally walk as far right as I can, but sometimes as my mind drifts so does my walking.  Bikers almost always pass in the left lane and so do joggers.

This morning I was almost ran down 2 of the rudest joggers ever!  I was more then half way done with my walk, still on the trail when I heard a jogger behind me.  I was already as far right as I could go when this gentleman jogged so close to me bumped my shoulder with his arm, he didn't say sorry or excuse me, he just kept jogging.  I was shocked, I've walked this trail so many times and this has never happened.  I made a frowny face and kept walking.  As I finished my walk, leaving the trail heading home, I was on a narrow sidewalk and I heard a jogger behind me, I move the the left because moving to the right put me on the road facing on coming traffic.  I stepped off of the sidewalk onto the dirt shoulder giving the jogger all of the sidewalk (a sidewalk that 2 people can walk side by side on) and this jogger, a different jogger then before bumps me and keeps jogging.

I know when I got up this morning there wasn't a "bump me" sign on my back.  I guess I will have to place a "DONT bump" me sign on my back tomorrow!!

The present App!

I have a great idea for an App.  I know NOTHING about making an App, but this is really a great idea.

Yesterday was my birthday, and I got some people asking me "what do you want" and of course the polite thing to say is "don't get me anything" but that just makes the person wanting to get you something all frustrated!

My App idea is this, it's like a calendar, and through out the year you add things in about the person you want to buy a gift for, when the person makes comments like "I hate the color orange" you add it into the app, or "I can't get enough Starbucks coffee" you add it into the App.

You would be able to add things in about the person too, like Enjoys baking, loves reading, hates it when I kick her in the shin.

Then when it's time to buy the person a gift, you hit the button and it gives you gift ideas.

If only I knew how to make this happen!!

Death Options

I am not very thrilled about my death options!!

What I mean by that is, after I die there aren't any options I'm all that excited about.

I DONT want to be put in a box, this I am sure about!!  I don't want to be in the ground, or a wall, or a crypt.

I do want to donate every last usable part of me that is donate-able, that would make me happy.

I guess I have to pick cremation because there aren't enough choices out there.

If I were to invent the perfect death option it would be this...

A Death Hotel

The rooms would be small, no bathroom would be needed, because you don't have to get up in the middle of your death to pee (at least I hope you don't... That would suck!).  The beds would be super comfortable, because after all, it's for your final rest, and you would have all the pillows and blankets to yourself, no one to steal your pillows and no one to be all mad at you because you might have accidentally touched the corner of their pillow for a nano second!  extra things could be added if you need them to be, like a stuffed animal or a box fan.

Sounds stupid, but that is my perfect death option...

I Prayed To the Devil Once......

ok ok ok clam down, it's not what you think...

As I told you before I grew up going to a non denominational christian church, and yes I enjoyed it, while I was young and didn't see all the politics surrounding a church, even a smallish church like the one I attended.

I was 13, my birthday had just past a few weeks before and my new foster family forgot or ignored my 13th birthday, something I got use to over the years to come.

I was hurt, felt lost, and just wanted to be "normal".  Like every other kid.  I wanted my own family with parents who would remember my birthdays, treat me with the same respect as my sibling, with a extended family that didn't look down on me or treat me like a charity case.

I was outside shucking corn when I had the "brilliant" idea to ask SATAN to "be nice".  Yes I had an hour talk with the devil trying to convince him to change his ways...

See, I figured if he wasn't running amuck and making evil then the world would be perfect and I could be happy.

It's funny the things children will do to try to be happy, and it's sad the day that same child comes to terms with the fact they will always feel unwanted and unloved.

I Don't Work At Nob Hill?!

I was ready super early this morning and decided since I had some extra time to stop at Nob Hill and pick myself up some of my favorite bottled water (MetroMint).

Normally I don't like to go through the "Check Yourself Out" at the super markets, but in the morning and at Nob Hill, it's almost the only way to get out right away.

I've heard several comedians go on about how they don't work at the grocery store so why should they bag their own stuff, it's funny, makes me laugh, but the number one reason I don't like using them is that I am NOT smarter then the stupid machine (or at least thats what the voice in m head, that sounds an awful lot like my brother tells me)  Because most of the time I do something to have the clerk have to come over and help me.

This morning was no different.  I ring up my water and place it in my bag.  The machine tells me I placed something in my bag and to remove it, So I remove my water, then it tells me to put it back in my bag, so I do, then it tells me to remove it... This goes on for awhile as I'm looking around for an employee, ANY employee, but nope, not a  single one around.  I could have stuck all my water in my bag and left and then MAYBE I would have found an employee (just not the one I was looking for).  Of course I did find someone eventually and got my water.

Just another reason for me to not check myself out, I don't work at Nob Hill!!!!